Am I Pretty Yet?

I remember being younger; say 11 or 12, when I first started really growing into what I look like today and began to get on social media and the internet. All I saw was small petite women being praised and thinking that is what sexy is supposed to be, and *spoiler alert* that’s where things went south. I was never a small person, I have always been bigger and not necessarily in weight but just in height and fullness. I was never what I saw on social media and it completely changed the way I saw myself. The internet told me I was supposed to be 5’4 and weigh 115 pounds and have a sleek hourglass figure, cue in gods laughter because by 12 I was 5’8 and already at least 140 pounds. So essentially I was the exact opposite of what I thought pretty and sexy was supposed to be. That was until boys started noticing me and telling me how hot and sexy I was because I was the one girl who had already “developed” which in turn made me think the only thing worth a damn about me was my body. So as you can see there was already a very tricky balance between the right and wrong way of how to feel about your body as a young girl. Plus at that time the internet really just agreed and made me feel like I should just be ashamed of my curves and what I look like and how I was feeling.

Up until recent years it seems like I never saw the internet telling girls its okay to have different bodies and to like whoever you want to like. I didn’t see models that looked like me and I didn’t see actresses who looked liked me either. The people I was supposed to look up to looked nothing like me. But boy has that changed, now I see all shapes and sizes of people, all colors and backgrounds and sexualities of people. It’s amazing how much I’ve gotten to learn about myself just through the internet over the past year. It taught me its okay to like girls and boys, its okay to not be a size 2 or to not have a flat stomach. Its okay to just be you. Now part of this could have been me growing up and completely changing who I follow and what I look at, and part of it could be the world changing with me. Seeing these topics in the media portrayed in a positive way is absolutely life changing. They are so important to have because it could be the one time some young teenage girl or boy realizes they’re not alone and they’re not crazy. They’re not an abomination, they will finally get to feel normal. My relationship with the internet and my body started out kind of rough, but through changes in society and changes in myself it became something I cherish. The early internet helped me hate myself, and then later taught me to heal from all my self hate.